Just a few random thoughts

• Blogging for me used to be easy. Whatever came to my mind, I'd go right to my computer and post it. I don't know how I was able to go to work, go to school, try to lead a social life, and blog back in my early 20's, but now, my energy is low, and I've allowed me job to pretty much dictate my creativity and social development.

• As much as I'm happy for any public figure who decides to come out to the media, no matter how famous or unknown, I'm still underwhelmed by the overall action. Whether genuine, malicious (jaded lover), or ostentatious, I can't say what intentions lie behind these outings. Overall, we do need more prolific men of color to come out to further boost the hopes of gay youth, but so far, it's only been a see-saw of good and bad publicity. On one hand, you have an NBA player that comes out, then a few days later, you have an Extra interview with a distraught ex-fiance, who made him out to be a smooth liar to hide his secret. Not to mention the other athlete dealing with his alleged jaded lover, and all that mess that follows. Why not just highlight an unknown, semi famous person who has already been out for years doing what he/she loves the most. So far, nothing that I've seen has been that groundbreaking...not even Frank Ocean. But if we're talking about pushing the down low agenda, that's doing well. Thanks to those who are looking to produce TV shows featuring undercover gay lovers who happen to be entertainers, and etc. Just...thanks.

The family tree is only as strong as its roots

It's been hard to focus lately, so the writing and creativity has stopped, the outreach has stopped, and the overall motivation to expand my horizons has come to a complete halt. There's a list of things I need to get done, as well as things I want to do, but it seems my timing is all off. Funny enough, I woke up one day in my apartment, and it seemed that all the various electronic devices were out of sync in time; it sort of freaked me out. The clock on my fireplace was seven minutes faster than the clock on my Roku player, which was two minutes slower than the clock on my laptop. I kind of felt that time was making a mockery of me because I guess I've placed so much emphasis on getting things done in a timely matter. So, I adjusted my clocks to the correct time, and sat down to just reflect on all the things that have come about.

Two weeks ago, my aunt passed away. Now, before any premeditated condolences roll out into the comments section after just reading that last sentence, I just want to say that I really didn't know her well; however, she did serve as some sort of link to my estranged biological father...if estranged is the right word to use. I don't know him at all, and what little I have found out about him is not anything to be proud of. It's the typical story of the American parental structure. Woman ends up pregnant, the biological father bounces. As you know, the story comes in different flavors, however. My mom didn't care much of him and his ho'ish ways, plus he was selfish, insecure, yet conceited, and just overall rude. He never knew what my mom saw in him, and if you ask her, she'd candidly say that she was lonely. I respect that answer.

What gags my goose is that out of the marriages she's had with my other siblings', two to be exact, she did not marry my father. I guess she really didn't like him, but life affords opportunities for us to seize if we pay attention, which my stepfather did. Now, he may have not been the best father figure at times, but he's been there for me since I was a year old, so I rightfully call him my dad, no questions asked; however, as I've grown up, it seems that not having a bond with my biological father has somewhat affected me, and the more time has passed, and the more I've thought about it, the more my mind wonders about my identity.

A few updates

So here's what's been up:

1. A family member passed away last week, which brought about some repressed family matters that I need to face.
2. Insomnia's been kicking into overdrive as of late, so I've been tired lately.
3. Had a long work week last week because that's how my shift is designed. Not a fan of it,
4. I'm getting my finances in order because I really am going to do away with my current job and begin my freelance writing career.
5. I've enrolled in a freelance writing class just as a stepping stone and networking tool toward reaching my goal.
6. My interest in poetry is slowly creeping back to me.
7. I'm taking a vacation starting tomorrow, so I'll be away from everything, which is needed. 
8. Creativity is at a standstill, and I still have side projects to complete. 

Hopefully the vacation will rejuvenate me.

11 unfinished posts, which one should I finish first?

Sometimes depression will affect my productivity. I'll have my up phases of knocking tasks out without any issues, but then I'll have my down phases where I either get overwhelmed with the work I've accumulated, or I develop a can't-be-bothered type of attitude, preferring sleep over anything else. Nonetheless, this is the life that chose me, so I gotta thug it out the best way I can.

With that said, my attention to certain things gets sidetracked, and my main focus then becomes finding ways to snap out of my funk. As much as I should use this blog to write more when I am going through these phases, I at times feel that writing down depressing things will only make me more depressed, so I choose to go sit in a corner somewhere, but as one fellow blogger told me one time, "Just pick a date to post, and don't try to make it perfect. Post whatever you have at that time."

I tried doing that, and it worked for a minute, but with my low-key perfectionist attitude, it's hard to publish a post and just be okay with it. Many past posts took months to a year to complete before I was happy with it, not a good way to do it, I suppose. All in all, I want to do better just for the sake of continuing my efforts to reach out to those who need the words. I'm not perfect, and I'm nowhere at the true beginning of my journey, but whatever little helps, I'm more than happy to contribute. So, I leave the next post up to you.

Nativity of naivety (Lecture 2 - Id[entity])

It's very easy to feel like you're damaged beyond repair. That mind frame resides in a good bit of us, you know, the proverbial half man trying to be made whole, and we choose how to deal with it in difference ways. Our vices at times can sustain us, but it's only temporary in most cases. Food, drink, art, sex, it's whatever keeps us busy enough not to think. However, not even the strongest vices can help us cope with our cognitive reasoning once we are left in solitude. Based on my solitude, I find myself angry, and I just want to let it all go. Been in this position before, and I went through it one shot of Jack at a time. In retrospect, it made shit worse.

You kind of wish there was some sort of "how to deal with all life's shit" manual that you are given at the time you learn how to read at a 6th grade level, just in time for puberty. The following is a list of things I didn't know, but had to learn. It may come off as odd, and that's fine. I understand the gravity of how I identify myself, as well as how I've allowed myself to be identified, but if someone could've just sat me down and told me the following things with such vigor and passion, I'd like to think that I wouldn't feel so broken now, but life doesn't work that way. And, if these things were explained to you early enough in your development, in concrete detail, then lucky you. I hope you're very well adjusted. As for me, I'm just waking up to what these things mean. So, here it is....