She knows. . .(My coming out story) part 2

Continued from the previous post . . . . .


I really can't draw this out into the story that I want it to be. All I can do is give you truth from what I can recall. It's simple, quick, straight to the point . . .I came out to my mother late April of this year. What made me come out to her was a combination of being tired of being silent about the struggles I faced alone, and the fact that I wanted to finally be able to live my life unashamed of being who I am. Whether I had the support of my mother or not, the weight that I'd placed upon myself would finally be lifted off. My coming out to my mother wasn't so much a verbal confession as it was a head nod yes to her question . . .

"Are you gay?" I then, nodded my head yes in reply.

Her response? . . . "Really?" *upward inflection*

And, that's how it went. I could've built my blog up to her final question by logging in the other questions she asked before asking about my sexual preference, but it really doesn't matter. She asked the golden question, and I mustered up enough courage to, at that time, tell the truth and be free. Yes, it would've been hard for me to just say yes, but better that I acknowledged it with a head nod, then a lie. She then asked me how I knew if I was really gay . . .to that, I answered, "I just know."  Honestly, after that, it was just minor questions. It was interesting because she was so into wanting to know more, and I just wasn't prepared to do a Q&A. Sadly, I was prepared for some major defense and crying, but no. . .nothing.

Sometimes we psyche ourselves out by preparing for the worst that we really do overshadow the good outcomes of things, and that's what happened. I was so prepared that she was going to kick me out the house and disown me that I totally forgot the fact that this woman fucking loves the shit outta me. . .negativity is a bitch. From the day she found out she was pregnant with me, and my real father wanted her to abort me (another story . . .my life, I swear), also doctors warned her of complications if she were to have me, she loved me from jump. Her exact words, from what she tells me, were "I don't care if he comes into this world with one arm and no legs, I'mma have this baby because he is MINE!" So, why in the blue hell would she go through all that to kick me out?

What was really cool about the confession is that she pretty much broke down her feelings about it all, but in a very warm manner. She voiced her concerns and opinions, tossing in a slight remark about the Bible, but nothing too serious, and that overall, she just wants me to be safe and happy. She also felt that I just hadn't met the right lady, but I laughed it off and told her that I'll meet HIM sometime in the future. I asked her if she had any inclinations or suspicions about me being gay. She acknowledged that she did have an inkling, but only after last year (that's when all the drama about me being super depressed kicked in). What I loved the most about our convo is how she explained that even though she is in her mid 60's, doesn't mean she is closed minded. I dug what she was saying, and I gave her a big hug.

It didn't hit me until the following day when I woke up that morning and started cleaning up. I don't know what the hell happened, but I started crying, but those were tears of happiness. I used to watch stories on TV where gays would come out to their loved ones and talk about how much weight has been lifted off their shoulders, and I didn't understand why. I felt that a homosexual could be just as happy walking around  never telling a soul about their sexuality, and be completely fine with it. After talking to my mother, finally confessing all the hurt that I had gone through alone because I was too afraid to speak , my life was renewed. I felt that I could finally live. I called her at work to tell her how much I loved her . . she then told me that she told my stepfather, and how he was cool with it all . . .DOUBLE JOY!

I wish I could conclude my coming out story on a more epically beautiful way, but it's almost 3am, and I've been erasing and retyping all day. For some odd reason, I could really blog this story out to my liking, but that's how truth can be. Sometimes you don't need similes or metaphors, or any other figures of speech to convey what is necessary. I'm proud to say that I'm gay and my parents know (if I was graphically inclined, there'd be a lot of GIFs and shit to convey how awesome it is to admit this lol). My mother loves me no matter what, and you know what's really cute? She no longer talks about the girl she envisions for me . . .She now uses the correct pronoun, "he."

And I love her for it :-)

Happy New Year . . . Will blog back after a while