Break

Tomorrow will mark one week since I painfully made the decision to take a break from a man that I can say I love very much. I'm still processing it all, and I continually ask myself about my next plan of action. Each day since last Friday has been hard; the weekend was the worst of it, but I knew it had to be done for the sake of our relationship.

Relationship; camaraderie; rapport, whatever you want to call it. It meant something, and still means something. However, I recently learned that the people you attract and are attracted to during periods in your life are based on your current disposition at that time. So, if you are a broken person trying to mend yourself together, you may find yourself attracting or being attracted to someone of the same caliber; this isn't set in stone, however.

I hate to be vague about what all transpired, but I've relived the moment all week long, and I've cried to the point of no tears no matter how much I want to cry. I will say that is difficult to love someone that is not open or used to receiving it. It is also difficult to be a gay male while trying to love a man that claims to still be unsure of himself, even after a certain length of time of being together has passed. I think I made it clear that I'd stick by him no matter what, but I also need time to figure out where I am in life and whether I'm close to reaching my goals or not.

Right now, I don't think I'm close to anything, at least, not as close as I was to him. And part of me wants to reconnect now instead of later, or if ever. I want another hug, I want another kiss, I want another intimate embrace, I want another chance to rest my head over his chest to hear his heartbeat . . . I just want him, but not if he's unsure if he can handle it all. I've asked myself many "What if" questions to which I don't have any clear answers to them as of yet. It's still fresh, ya know?

This was all unexpected as far as me taking the initiative to let things go, but the build up to this was at a slow simmer. I thought that love would transcend it all, and I still do believe that, but you also have to let that love grow into its own. I've held his hand long enough, making sure that everything wasn't too much for him, but one can only do that so much. I can say that we did need each other for the time we were together because we discovered things about ourselves in one another that we may not have noticed when we were with other people.

I don't really know what this time apart will do for us, and at times, I don't want to know. After I told him to go, it pained me to watch him slowly walk away, and I do believe he did it with hesitance, or at least that's what I tell myself. I told him I was willing to wait for him, but that's the expectation. Reality hasn't really reared its head yet, but I'm working on accepting whatever may come our way. I woke up today in silence with no one in particular to text, which usually helps, so I thought I should write. The love is still there, and it's not going away anytime soon.